"God Made me a Blue Hen"

by Jack

Applying to college is one of the most exciting and stressful moments in many American high schooler’s lives. It’s one of the first big decisions we get to make for ourselves as adults. We choose what we study, we choose where we live, and the decision can appear to be ultimately ours.

I didn’t exactly have a “top” school when applying to colleges. I remember thinking about all the schools I had applied to and genuinely loving the idea of attending any one of them. Since I had originally applied to college as a music education major, I would have to audition at all the schools I had applied to. After completing all my auditions, I still didn’t have any “top” school, but Penn State University and James Madison University just seemed to make sense to me. During the whole admissions process I had never prayed to God to go to any specific school, but rather I prayed that He send me to the school that was best for me. With this in mind, I felt that PSU and JMU both seemed like good contenders. They had beautiful campuses, nice students, and I loved the professors I had met at each school. However, I remember there was one school specifically that stood out to me during this whole admissions process, University of Delaware.

The University of Delaware was a school that stood out because it was the one school I had applied to that I had no plans on attending. I applied mostly because my mom kept telling me about how great a school it was since she knew somebody who’s child went there, and so she insisted that I apply. I didn’t have anything specific against the school. In fact, the school had everything you could want in an “American university;” a beautiful campus, Division 1 sports teams, and a plethora of majors to choose from and clubs to get involved in. However, two of my closest friends from high school had attended this school, and I wanted to start fresh and go where I wanted to go, rather than “follow in the footsteps” of my friends. What was odd though, was that things just kept working out with this school during the admissions process. I remember making a last-minute decision to switch up my repertoire at my audition at UD which meant that I would be playing a song I had never used in any of my previous auditions. However, from the very first note I played to the end of the piece, I can say without a doubt that my audition at UD was the best time I have ever played my instrument.

After hearing back from all of my schools (and getting rejected from one of them), I had decided on James Madison University. In my own reasoning, I felt that it was the best school for me, and I had verbally committed. However, after receiving my financial offers from the school, I found that I had not received enough money to attend JMU. I remember feeling extremely conflicted as to what I should do when the next day, I received a very generous offer from the University of Delaware. My mother asked me if I wanted to tour UD one more time, to which I agreed. I remembered touring the school and seeing it in a completely different light. I remember being so happy to see my old friends from high school and suddenly loving the idea of attending the same school as them. I remember walking around the campus and falling in love with the brick architecture and the beautiful scenery. As an added bonus, they even had their own farm on campus with over 20 cows (from which they make their own ice cream which I must say is the best ice cream on planet Earth). By the end of the day, I had made the decision. I was going to be a University of Delaware Blue Hen.

That fall I started my first ever semester at UD. I remember being elated to finally start my journey as a freshman and officially live on my own with my newfound freedom. However, this freedom was one that I wanted for reasons other than serving The LORD. I was not necessarily raised as a believer as I was brought up what I would call “loose-Catholic.” I went with my parents to church on Saturday nights and cared about my relationship with God, though I didn’t know too much about God’s Word, God’s ways, and salvation. With this lack of knowledge, I entered my first relationship with another male during my first semester of college. I remember initially feeling “liberated” though there was this feeling of doubt and questioning hiding quietly in the corner of my mind. When the relationship ended up failing, I felt this feeling of a burden being lifted off of my shoulders. I didn’t initially understand why at first, though I had this thought of “now I can start serving God.”

After coming back to campus for my Spring semester, I remember having this longing for a romantic partner to the point of it becoming almost an obsession. I remember not entirely understanding why in the back of my mind, this felt like something that couldn’t become a reality. When I had finally mustered up the courage and read the verses known by many Christians who struggle with SSA all too well, I remember the reality of the situation hitting me all at once.

I was instantly overwhelmed; I remember getting up and immediately leaving my dorm room. I couldn’t be inside. I didn’t exactly know where to go, only that I needed to be moving otherwise I would most likely have a breakdown of some sort. I was only nineteen years old at the time, was I really destined to live a life without a partner? A life without romance? A life alone?

I ended up finding myself in the school of music where I ran into a girl from one of my classes. I remember telling her about everything that I was feeling and her being taken aback. It makes sense of course; most people don’t typically talk about things that deep with people whom they don’t know too well. When I was met with a very well-meaning response of “I personally believe that there’s someone out there for everyone,” I was comforted by her kindness, but not sold that this was necessarily true.

A day or two had passed and the feelings of despair and depression continued. Until one day I remember sitting in orchestra, I had decided to confide in an acquaintance of mine, a girl named Hannah, who also played the same instrument as me. I don’t even know why I had decided to confide in her, maybe it was because the thoughts were just too much for me, but I remember telling her that I was struggling to reconcile my feelings of attraction with my relationship with God. To my surprise, Hannah responded with “why don’t you come to Bible study with me?” I was instantly surprised. Not only did I not know Hannah was a Christian, but it didn’t even occur to me that UD would have Christian organizations at the school. My immediate response was “sign me right up!” but then I hesitated, would they let me join? Would they even want someone like me there?

Despite these reservations, I decided to go to the Bible study. I remember meeting Hannah in the lounge area of Smith Hall one evening, and then making our way up to the classroom where Bible study was held. It was in that classroom that my life had changed forever.

The first Bible study was a place where my initial expectations were deconstructed. I was expecting a group of people who would be polite to my face, before showing me Bible verses instructing me that I “needed to change.” This was not what happened. I was overwhelmed by the kindness and genuineness I found in this community of people who did not view me as a “project,” but rather as an individual who was seeking Christ, and to them that was enough.

This is what kept me coming back. I began attending both “large group” worship services on Friday evenings in addition to the small group Bible studies Wednesday nights. Despite my continual attendance, I still was not sold on The Gospel. I hit a very intense “works based salvation” phase during my sophomore year which my campus minister was extremely patient with me during. I had so many questions as a new believer about everything. What if I sinned too much? How much sin is too much sin? Is it a sin to be SSA? How come my SSA hasn’t gone away then? What if I committed the unforgiveable sin? Despite this mountain of questions I threw upon my campus minister, he took all of them with ease and did his best to help me work through all of them with a Grace-centered perspective and a gentle approach. No matter what questions or anxieties I threw his way, he always made sure to speak the truth in love. When my mental health took a turn for the worse my junior year, I was met with compassion and understanding rather than phrases like “just have more Faith.” Of all the people, who would have known my campus minster would have a degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling as well as a Pastoral degree?

The experiences I had at University of Delaware through the ministry I was a part of helped to set up the foundation I needed before going out into the world as an adult. I feel as though I learned so much about The LORD, my Faith, and my spiritual walk, in addition to the lessons in my classrooms and lecture halls. I’ll admit, there are times in which I think about the other more “competitive” schools I was accepted to and think to myself “wow, I could have gone there” to boost my ego. However, I immediately remember everything I learned at UD and how God so perfectly shaped my college experience to not only become grounded in The Gospel, but to see the empathy that true Bible believing Christians can have towards you. During my entire time in the ministry, I was a part of, no one ever said

anything about my struggle with SSA other than words of compassion, empathy, and support during the harder times of my struggle. It was this compassion and empathy from believers that encouraged me to stay with my Faith and helps me realize just how lucky I am to be a part of this community. God knows the individuals we need in our lives, and He will provide us with them when we need them. When I prayed to God that He send me to the right school, He did, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. God made me a Blue Hen and I am so grateful He did. Go Hens!

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About the Writer

Jack is a 25-year-old from the East Coast. His passion for writing comes from desiring to encourage and motivate others in their walk with Christ. Outside of writing, Jack enjoys reading, listening to music, and spending time outside. He also creates videos about Christianity on his YouTube channel "christianconvos."